Many years ago i lost the world in me i went to a very bad place to survive. I feared the world around me but most of all i feared me. I forgot how to breathe to feel and to think. At the time i lived on my own in a one bedroom flat with a wonderful view of the Severn Estuary. Yet this view held no beauty for me, everything appeared ugly and terrifying. I had to take time off from work because i could not venture outside my own front door. The hush of the winds breath would send me running, I could not read because words would tumble off the page, day time hurt my eyes, night time brought nightmare’s early hours came the witching hour. For three weeks i had only slept for 8 hours. I was crippled by my own mind a prisoner to my own thoughts. Reality i could not see because the bars of despair blocked my view.I taught myself to breath again, it took me a week for me to sit still for ten minutes, this was a great achievement for me. Friends would visit but i was not there and this made them scared. Back then you did not have the communication you have today. I was isolated, adrift, alone with grief and ghosts from my past. Six weeks later in the early hours i was Pacing the floor and crying, When a thunderstorm came calling, i looked out at the Severn Estuary and witnessed an electric storm the coloure lilac shot across the channel everything appeared white instant daylight i felt my spirit soar it was amazing sight and moment. For the first time in 18 months i felt joy. The following day i ventured out, gingerly walked towards my front gate, terror was at my throat, my legs shook and i sweated profusely. I walked to Alexander Park where i played as a child, tears fell i was so happy because i could hear my breathing mirroring my foot steps and innner calm came over me.This experience was over 28 years ago, the memory never left me. My sensitivity gave me compassion,compassion gave me love. Recently i had a set back and my world began to implode which worried me. Walking made me think, nature willed me on. Walking is not only a natural bodily function it can be healing and meditative too. I walked myself back to me. The poem ICICLES came from depression.
I lost the world in me once
nothing mattered or made sense.
What remained was fear, I in turn became a pilgrim
on a journey to where i want to be.
My foot prints are left behind
to show where i have been.
I follow my breath,
to where the sun reflects day time stars
of blue, green lilac back at me.
They appear to float and i feel serene.
I turn and hear the trees weep
their light delicate heavenly sound.
I then witness their tears fall.
They lay on the ground like shards of glass
to earth’s embrace.
To come together, convert, mystify
disappear beyond the clouds.