In the Oxford dictionary the word depression means despair, despondency, desolation, dejection and discouragment.

I will be launching and reading from my latest collection titled “Spirit Cracked not Broken”on Monday 7th August at the poetry open mic that I run.

Spirit Cracked not Broken is autobiographical and covers mental, physical and emotional abuse, alcoholism and courage. This collection is taken from my unpublished novel with the same title. I took extracts and put them into poetry and prose.

This collection will be used for counselling purposes. I will be reading Spirit  Cracked not Broken and running workshops at Drug rehab and homeless hostels. In the Valleys and Cardiff. Also poetry readings at Merthyr and Newport.

The word depression  in its literal sense came into being in 1650. Dejection, depression of the spirit.

Having a sensitive nature is a curse, you feel every jib, remark, and react to facial expression a lot more than most people. However when you are an abused hyper sensitive person. Life is amplified and becomes even more painful. Yet I go out into the world with my feelings stripped bare, my heart raw, my soul exposed. Hyper sensitivity also helps with my creativity.

I have lived with depression for over fifty years.

To me and in my experience. Depression is not having debt this is called irresponsibility. Grief is not depression, grief is a sense of loss, a time for reflection and acceptance. Life moves on from death. The same when someone you love leaves you, this is called heartache. Where time is a healer and you will get over the pain and move on from and maybe learn to love again.

Depression is a terrible dilapidated illness.

Depression is a deep sadness that seeps inside your true core, and you have no words to describe how you feel. A numbness takes over and freezes your soul, yet you long to feel whole. Because of this you will make mistakes and misjudgments along the way. Some times depression can be born out of shame and fear.

Babies and Children. Should be brought up in a loving paradise, full of affection and care. However, if you have been brought in fear, addiction and violence.  with no love or  any guidance.  Your inner being and true core has been destroyed from an early age. By mental, physical and emotional abuse and poverty.  Adult responsibilities when still a child. You feel worn out and a complete failer. Low self esteems comes calling and never leaves. I would slowly rise as a people pleaser and to my detriment and my down fall a doormat. I would fill in the gaping wound with people and things I did not enjoy.

 August 2016 I suffered an emotional breakdown  I feared the sky, wind and me.

I lost the world in me and I did not want to exist anymore. Suicide was on my mind and I did not want to be here. I went to my doctor for the first time in years. He gave me Beresford center.

I could not talk about the medical mistake or the abuse. 55 years of pain was stuck between my heart and throat, under layers of abuse and shame. Beresford center helped me to untie, undo and let out the pain and release the sea of words to describe how I felt. Waves of tears came and I cried for the first time.

I will be walking Hadrian’s wall alone in September and will be raising money for this wonderful place of healing.

For the first time in my life I cease to be a people pleaser and I have learnt to say no and put me first. Compassion, love, empathy is what I wear in my heart, mind and soul.

Acceptance, forgiving. To forgive does not mean you forget or allow it  to happen again. There is no point in going back to things you cannot change. It is a waste of time and energy and creates a build up of negativity. Let acceptance sit in the well of your belly, breathe deep and become beautiful and move on. However, I accept that depression will always be part of me.

The pen is mightier

For a year I ran a writing group in all women addiction centre. The women had all been through rehab. I inspired these woman to write for the first time in their lives. Also had their work published with the help of publisher Debbie Price. Their collection of work was Titled A is for Addicts. I was so humbled.

The pen and love for oneself is far mightier than hate, blame and bitterness.

Regret over what was and the fear of tomorrow robs us of being in the moment.

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PS

Walking helps too. 

Physical activity is a wonderful antidote to depression it creates happy endorphins. To walk among nature, hear bird song, see a sun rise. It truly is the simple things in life that bring happiness.

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3 thoughts on “In the Oxford dictionary the word depression means despair, despondency, desolation, dejection and discouragment.

  1. Thank you for sharing Julie, I recognise many of the emotions that you describe, and yes, the deadness and absence of any emotion. I have also taken to walking, and I tread the same paths that you also walk in the Sirhowy and further. I wish you all the best on Hadrians wall walk. Walk in peace and beauty. Regards.. Henry

  2. Having read some of this collection in its original prose form, I’m proud of you for finding a way to share your story with others. Looking forward to reading this collection. Keep walking, keep writing, keep going. xx

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